When my Dad and I were dancing at my wedding, he gave me some advice, a piece of which was to "Save for a rainy day, because a rainy day will come." He then said that the rainy days won't last, but to anticipate them and use them to draw Jared and I closer.
Well I think I experienced my first true "rainy day" on Wednesday, December 29th. While I have been a terrible blogger this fall/Holiday season, it is not because I didn't want to. I had many exciting things going on in my life and I couldn't wait to blog about them, and simply didn't have time.
Jared and I found out on Halloween that we were expecting. This was very exciting because we hadn't been trying and it happened so "easily." We went to the Dr. on November 15 where they confirmed it, did blood work, and sent us on our merry way. Because I had only come off of the pill 30 days before, I had not had a true period, so they wanted to use an ultrasound to set the due date. On November 29 I had my ultrasound with a strong heartbeat of 173 and they set the due date of July 12. Jared didn't want to share our news until after the holidays, but we agreed that after the ultrasound we would share with our family. He was traveling out of town for work, and so we waited until the first weekend in December to share. Our families were thrilled. Also during this time, we learned that 2 of my lifelong friends, Brooke and Lindsey, were also expecting. Brooke due on July 4 and Lindsey on July 11. How exciting. We also had other friends that we haven't known as long due in July. No way we could have planned it like that.
I was off from December 22 until the first of the year and so I set my 12 week appointment for the week I was off.
The week before Christmas one of our friends suffered the loss of their unborn baby. For what I can only describe now as God's infinite wisdom, I began to consider that it could happen to me too, and told many people over Christmas that I was playing mind games with myself since learning of my friend, and that I wouldn't feel better until after the 29th when I heard the heartbeat. Little did I know that that would become my reality on the 29th.
Jared was also off and able to go with me to my appointment where we expected to hear the heartbeat for the first time, and be cleared from the first trimester and the risk associated with it. We had planned to go to Babies R Us in Richmond after our appointment in search of neutral bedding, so I could attempt to keep my plan of it being a surprise.
We had an early morning appointment and it ran right on time. I was pleased that I hadn't gained any weight and the nurse attempted to hear the heartbeat on the Doppler. I shared with her the anxiety I had since learning of our friends news. I was not at all worried when she couldn't find it, because Brooke had gone a week earlier (same Dr.) and the nurse couldn't get hers either. The nurse said not to worry that Dr. Burke would be able to get it. Dr. Burke then came in and told me right away that the nurse had shared with her that I was anxious because of my friend. Dr. Burke said let's hear these hearttunes right away so you won't be worried. She then attempted to locate them on the Doppler. The entire time she continued to talk about tests that we could do in the next weeks, and other options, never once seeming concerned. She told me that because the baby is still in the pelvis at 12 weeks, that they cannot routinely hear the "hearttunes" until 13 weeks. After not locating them, she never flinched or seemed concerned.
She then asked me "would YOU feel better if I got you an ultrasound today so you know everything is okay before you leave." I greatly appreciated her consideration and said yes. I was happy to know everything was okay and to get to see the baby with Jared, since he missed the first ultrasound appointment. It would surely look more like a baby this time and we would have great pics to share with our families. On the way out of the room, I commented to Jared, "Gosh, I hope we hear it." To which Dr. Burke said, "Don't worry, you have a 97% chance of hearing it."
The same technician did this ultrasound as the first one. She acted the same so I still wasn't particularly worried. Then she said she needed to check with Dr. Burke and that she would be right back. I knew something was wrong. I told Jared and he didn't really believe me. I wasn't certain if it was no heartbeat, or a deformity, or something else, but I knew it wasn't good. If it was she would have turned it around, showed me it was okay, and printed the picture.
Dr. Burke came in with the technician and said the technician had located the baby but no heartbeat, and that she (Dr. Burke) needed to confirm that in fact there was no heartbeat. Of course she didn't see it and she showed it to me on the screen. I knew it wasn't right, since I too didn't see it, and the baby looked very similar to my last ultrasound which was exactly 30 days prior. I was devastated and felt so sad for Jared. I had high hopes that he would get to see the heartbeat and see it was "real." I hadn't been sick, not even once, not moody, not craving weird things, and not that tired. So I was hoping that this would make it real for him. Instead it was full of disappointment. We had waited to tell people hoping to avoid this moment, and now it met us head on.
They put us in a side room until Dr. Burke's room was available again. We waited for what seemed like an eternity. All I wanted to do was get a breath of the fresh winter air. I had not eaten anything because of my medicine before the appointment so I was hungry and thirsty. This quick 15 min appointment was now going on 2 hours. We finally got in to see Dr. Burke, who gave us options for moving forward as I had no signs or symptoms of miscarriage. We considered the options and proceeded with what gave us the least risk for impacting future opportunities.
On the way home we stopped and got a new Dyson vacuum, and a limeade from Bill's BBQ. My absolute favorite. I then called our families and let them know. Everyone was so supportive. Although they shared our same excitement, they will again someday. Everyone recognized that everything happens for a reason, even if we don't know what it is right now.
Both Brooke and Brandy brought over my favorites for dinner and some snacks like Chocolate poptarts, and limeade, which I hadn't had since before October. I also splurged on a large fountain Diet Coke on the way home.
Fortunately the medicine worked quickly and we are hopefully over the worst part. I go back to Dr. Burke on January 13 and am praying for a clear ultrasound, which will make me "normal" again. Dr. Burke indicated we will talk about "what's next" at that appointment.
At this point, I am hopeful that I will be able to get pregnant again, rather soon, and that we will have a healthy baby. That is what I want most; and if that means that I have to wait until later in the year or early next year, I will.
Hopefully this is our only rainy day for a long while. I am so glad that it is the New Year and that I get a fresh slate. On to happier posts!
I guess I need to spend some time with my new camera to get the best shots! They are a bright white card stock with navy and red writing and a lovely "presidential" graphic at the top. They have a thin red border and are mounted on navy linen paper. I love them. 
Here you can see the graphic better that made me go with these in the first place. I can't wait to see what the members think!
